Self Sabotage: Things We Do That Hold Us Back

We all anticipate the day that our ship comes in, ready to board that vessel of success. We all want to be happy and are willing to grab the opportunity to achieve our dreams when it arrives, right? Well, maybe not.

In reality, we sometimes create excuses to avoid opportunities. Or we quit a task just before the payoff. We start finding faults with our partner when the relationship is on the verge of serious commitment. We turn down promotions at work. We decide not to take the advanced level class that our professors suggest. We get sick on the day of an interview for a job that pays substantially more. We decide that we can’t really afford the mortgage or rent for a better home.

Sound familiar? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Even way back in Biblical times, Jonah tried to escape from God’s call to a higher mission. But you don’t have to spend three days in a whale’s belly to figure out why you keep sabotaging your own chances for happiness.

Fear of Success

Behind your self-sabotaging could be a fear of being rejected if you outshine others. The concept of fearing success was studied in the 1960s by researchers who asked college men to write a story beginning with: “After first term finals, John finds himself at the top of his medical school class.” The male students typically wrote stories about how dedicated and conscientious John was. They said John continued working hard and eventually graduated at the top of his class.

But when college women were asked to write stories about “Anne” finding herself at the top of her medical school class, the responses drastically differed. The female stories revolved around social rejection, describing Anne as an “acne-faced book worm” without any friends. One story said that “Anne will finally have a nervous breakdown, quit medical school, and marry a successful doctor.” Notice how Anne would marry a doctor, not become one herself!

Amazingly, almost all of the women in the study who showed fear of success when they were younger later got pregnant when they were on the verge of career advancement or when their achievements threatened to pass their husband’s success.

Similarly, other research has shown that people who grow up in a lower socioeconomic class sabotage their opportunities to rise to a higher level in society because they do not want to risk losing their family and old friends. The prospect of their friends becoming jealous and family members becoming resentful can be so powerful that they turn their backs on opportunities that others classify as “selling out.”

Moving Beyond Our Comfort Zone

You already know that self-sabotage does not make sense on a logical level, so to beat the habit you must figure out what emotion, most likely a fear, is behind your behavior. Then each day, work on moving out of your level of comfort—taking baby steps at first if necessary—to test if your fear is valid. You might be surprised to learn that people will support you, not reject you. Eventually, when your ship comes in, you can confidently board and know that those on the dock bidding you “bon voyage” will still love and accept you as you journey toward reaching your full potential

For men, actions speak louder than words or emotions.

It can be difficult for women to see where the relationship is going, if their partner gives no clue of what they are thinking or feeling about the relationship. You might feel that he is holding back, not telling you the truth or, worse, that he doesn’t love you anymore. It’s time to turn down the emotions and cut out the assumptions. It’s time to change your tactics. Instead of waiting to hear what he’s feeling or thinking or  badgering him for information (as the case may be), check out his actions.

For men, actions speak louder than words or emotions. For women, however, showing our emotions and talking about them is very important. We tend to jump to conclusions and assume that something is wrong in the relationship or with ourselves, if he is not showing his emotions like we do. As Morgana explains in the video, that does not mean there is a problem with the relationship.

Watch what he does. Does he talk a lot on the phone or send out lots of emails or texts? If not, how does he communicate his needs or affections? Check out how he interacts with his male and female friends. Does he hug or shake hands? If you don’t know (and even if you think you know the answers), take the next few days to watch. You’ll be enlightened.

While you are watching him, check your own reactions to his actions. Do you feel jealous when he hugs a female friend? Does it matter if he emails or texts someone more than you?

Another thing to consider if you’re not getting what you want: Have you asked for it? As Morgana says, “You can never get mad at a man for not giving you what you in a relationship if you didn’t ask for it.” If there is something you need in a relationship, tell him, but don’t nag or hold it against him. Allow him to fulfill your need in time and in his way.

This is the best time to achieve your goals.

There's no time like the present and now is as good as time as any to
get what you want done, to finish up those projects, get that job,
start that business and do what you've been putting off for so long.

But when you finally decide to get started, you somehow find a way to
put things off once again.

You convince yourself that you can start tomorrow, or that you need
everything to be perfect, or just right, or that you won't succeed,
that things won't work out and you put off your success once again.

Then a few years go by, maybe more, you take a look and nothing has
changed. You haven't accomplished those goals, you haven't finished those
projects, and you're still where you were or worse.

You wonder why things don't get better and the reason is simple - you keep
procrastinating. You keep putting things off.

And no matter how much you WANT things to change, they just don't.

It's because your mind and subconscious mind are used to procrastinating.
You've programmed yourself to procrastinate - the more you keep doing it
the stronger the programming gets until... it's too late.

It's not too late.

Now is the time to stop that programing and change it.

How?

By re-programming your mind and subconscious mind so that
you get things done. So that you finish that project, get that job,
start that business, meet that right person and achieve the goals you've
always wanted to achieve.

You do that by feeding your mind and subconscious mind new information,
new thoughts, new beliefs, new thought patterns that allow you to succeed.
The kind that make you want to get up and get things done right away.
Become the go to person who gets things done quickly and easily 

When you re-direct your mind, when you get it to focus on
getting things done you push your subconscious mind in a new direction and
you stop giving yourself excuses, and you begin to want to get more
done so that you enjoy the success you want.

This re-programming happens quickly and easily. 
The changes take place as you go about your day.
Take action today. 
Start making the changes today. 
The sooner you start the better. 
Don't put your success and happiness off anymore. 

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You Never Know Until You Ask!

Every job has its perks, options, and opportunities for moving up, but it is up to you to find out what they are and to take full advantage of them. Here are four critical questions that you need to ask yourself and your employer on a continual basis because they will help you get more out of your career financially, educationally, experientially, and promotion-wise!

Question #1: Will your company match your retirement contributions? If you contribute $100 a month to a Roth IRA or similar retirement fund, some companies will match your contribution and put $100 into your fund too. This is free money that you are losing each month when you do not contribute toward your own retirement. So, ask your employer about any investment programs they offer and sign up for that free money toward your future!

Question #2: Does your company offer incentives for attaining higher education? Some companies have deals with local community colleges and universities that will actually pay for your whole degree, especially if it relates to your job. If your company does not pay for your tuition, they may still offer salary points, bonuses, cohorts, promotions, or other incentives for attaining additional training or degrees. But, you need to ASK if you want to know what your company has to offer. And ask every year because policies change. Moreover, if your company knows you are attaining a higher degree, this may put you in the running for promotions and bonuses due to your dedication to improving your knowledge and skills.

Question #3: What new projects or tasks can you take on? This might seem strange that I am suggesting that you take on more work for no pay, but there are several good reasons: first, these are experiences that you can add to your resume; second, you get to develop more knowledge and skills that make you more marketable for higher positions; and, third, this shows your boss and coworkers that you are a team player and hard worker that can gladly take on bigger projects with ease and success. My dad always told me that work is all about “service, service, service.” In other words, help out whomever you can whenever you can because then you become an invaluable asset to your company. Plus, people will remember your generosity and support.

Question #4: Is there anything else I can do to perfect my work in my current position and/or anything I can do to prepare for my next position? Always be improving at your job; when you feel like you are on a plateau, reach higher. For example, when I was a teacher, I wanted to work more with adults doing professional development, so I offered to have a “Mentor Teacher” class period in which I helped novice teachers with their curriculum. This gave me experience, skills, and a foot in the door to my next goal of being a “Literacy Coach.” On that note, one more tip is to always dress for the position you want, not the one you have! When I got to that “Mentor Teacher” period, I started to dress more conservatively because you want others to perceive you in higher positions. This is just one more step toward making your dream a reality.

Just by asking these questions alone, you are showing your employer that you are a go-getter, a planner, and a driven person who is always looking for new opportunities for advancement. As soon as an opportunity arises, you will be the first one to find out because you have initiated those conversations already! Even if your company does not currently offer incentives or options like I have mentioned, they may in the future if you and others request them regularly. It’s all about creating a dialogue around what you want and deserve as a competent worker at your company. Employers want happy, fulfilled, and reliable employees who are financially stable so it’s up to you to let them know consistently and in amicable ways, how they can support you

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." ~ Albert Einstein

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." ~ Albert Einstein

Most of the problems we have in life appear to be caused by circumstances and people beyond us. We often feel that changes are happening "to" us. Because of that, we try to solve problems using a faulty logic system.

It goes something like this...

"This other person hurt me. I am angry and sad. That person is bad/hurtful/mean because he made me angry and sad. I will try to make that person realize how much I am hurt. After he apologizes, I will feel better. Then we can be close again."

While that may help you temporarily feel better, it's not a lasting solution. Every time you are hurt, it requires somebody else to take responsibility for your pain.

In having enough challenges in my life, I have realized that the most important "problems" can only be "solved" by deep understanding of myself. That's why whenever there are changes in my life, I always look inward to understand more deeply.

"There is nothing permanent except change." ~ Heraclitus, 500 BC

We live in a world of of constant change. Emotions and relationships can come and go like the wind. Because of this, looking to others to make us feel better is a recipe for disaster.

What if the other person doesn't know she wronged you?

What if the other person dies and he can never reconcile your pain?

What if the other person just really doesn't care as much as you do?

Oh there's probably a million "what ifs" that could make it impossible to ever receive the external validation that we often want.

Here's a different what if...

"I can choose peace instead of this." ~ A Course In Miracles

What if we did the inner work to fundamentally change our view of the world?

This is what I do whenever I hurt inside. I look within to ask myself questions like:

• "Right now, how can I view this situation differently?"
   
• "What don't I understand about myself that is causing me pain right now?"
   
• "What don't I understand about the other person right now?"
   
• "Right now, why do I incorrectly believe that the other person is responsible for my emotions?"
   
• "How can I be more present in this moment right now?"
   
• "Is it possible that I'm not being completely authentic right now?"
   
• "What is blocking me from feeling love and compassion right now?"

Not all of those questions can always be answered immediately because most of our perceived problems come from our subconscious mind.

That's part of why Albert Einstein says we need a different level of CONSCIOUSNESS to solve problems. We try too hard to solve conscious problems with conscious attention. Sure the conscious attention helps. But fundamentally the only way to really solve the "outer world" problems is to do "inner world" transformation on our subconscious minds.

Interestingly enough, those "outer" world problems begin to resolve themselves, slowly but surely, as a consequence of doing that inner world work.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Coming full circle...

When I am going through a difficult time, I don't look to others to fix the pain I feel. It's not their fault. They are not responsible for my emotions.

Instead, I use a variety of subconscious discovery techniques, conscious mindset shifts, affirmations, and other techniques to look within for the real truth about the situation.

I focus on the change I want to be.

And I trust that by extension of my inner changes, the outer world "problems" will find their natural resolution.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

By Noah St. John

Nothing smells like the ink of a printing press.

Back in the 70's, my father was the editor of our hometown newspaper.

My brother and I loved going into Dad's office and watching those giant printing presses churn out the day's news -- news that would go into our neighbor's homes and keep people connected in our small community.

Today, thanks to the Internet and social media like Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter, our community has gotten a bit bigger -- it's called planet Earth.

The Internet has made the idea of a daily newspaper sound quaint to most, downright prehistoric to anyone born after 1990.

Yet, despite the galactic shift in how people get their news in the past decade, human nature still hasn't changed.

People still want their news current, relevant, and easy to digest.

But today, more than ever, there is one essential human currency we all depend on, yet is in increasingly short supply: the essential element of trust.

We used to trust big companies, politicians, and people on the news.

Today, if you asked most people if they believe that big companies had their best interests at heart, you'd get a good laugh in the face.

Studies show that Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, is the nation's most trusted journalist. What does it tell you when a comedian is voted America's most trusted news source?

That's why, over the coming months, I'll be talking more about how to build trust in a time of uncertainty.

In order to stand out from the crowd -- indeed, survive -- in today's hyper-competitive marketplace, you must be perceived as a Thought Leader.

What is a Thought Leader?

Very simply, a leader is someone whom other people are following.

Therefore, a Thought Leader is someone who leads by virtue of the strength of their ideas and ideals.

The fact is, no Thought Leader ever became one without the essential component of trust.

As Warren Buffet has noted, "It takes years to build your reputation, but only minutes to ruin it."

Today, I want you to think about who you trust and why.

Really think about that question. When you need advice on something, who do you turn to? Why?

Was it someone who has given you good advice in the past?

Someone you've spoken with, or someone you've merely heard about? Someone whose book you read and enjoyed?

In most cases, that person you're thinking of is a Thought Leader, whether they know it or not.

To become a Thought Leader, there are three essential elements you must build into your business.

Like a stool with three legs, if one or more of the legs is missing, it won't stand up.

I'll be talking more about these 3 essential pillars in future articles and videos.

For right now, ask yourself these questions:

1. Who do I trust to help me grow my business? (If the answer is, "No one", you're what I call a "lone wolf entrepreneur". Lone wolves don't survive long in the wild.)

2. Why do I trust that person?

3. Where did I hear about him or her?

4. What can I do this month to increase the level of trust my customers have with me?

A Thought Leader has followers because people trust him or her. Here are five things you can do to build trust, starting right now:

1.     Be a real person. The days of hiding behind a corporate brand are gone. In today’s marketplace, what people crave is real human connection.

2.     Say how you feel. It used to be that those messy things called “feelings” had no place in the workplace. Those days, too, are over. Now, people want to know how you feel. But that doesn’t mean you should share every feeling you have. They want to know how you feel about things that are important to them.

3.     Be yourself. Dale Carnegie once wrote that he tried to be an actor by “borrowing the mannerisms” of every great actor of the time. Of course, he failed miserably. Then as now, people can tell when you are faking it and not being authentic.

4.     Know your Value. One of the biggest areas I see my clients struggle with is not knowing their Value in the marketplace. All Value is perceived Value. Therefore, understand what you bring to the table and who might perceive that as being valuable.

5.     Stop trying to please everyone. As Ben Franklin said, “There are many roads to success, but only one sure road to failure. That is to try and please everyone else.”

Trust between people is like the oil in your engine. Without it, you're not going anywhere. 

The Power of a Deadline

It’s amazing the excuses we come up with to avoid taking action.

Recently, on my Internet Independence website, I held a "before and after" business transformation contest. Entrants had to show how their business grew over six weeks. They could have shown a growth in email list size or sales. The winner would receive $250.

However, out of 7000 readers, I had only two entries. I also received a LOT of excuses for why people didn't enter.

The excuses were not very good. They may as well have told me, "their dog ate their computer."

The real reason people didn't enter the contest was because most people don't have a good enough reason to change. Deep down, they're happy with the way things are now.

Sure, a lot of people talk about making changes, but when it comes time to take action, nothing happens.

But actions speak louder than words.

It’s time to step up and hold yourself accountable.

You can’t depend on others to do that for you.

You have to be honest with yourself.

Are you going to do this or not?

Do you want the freedom and independence you can get by building your own business, or are you happy just to daydream about it?
There’s nothing wrong with daydreaming.

But you have recognize the difference between daydreaming and serious goal setting. Two very, very different things.

So it’s time to take things very seriously.

Here's what you need you to do:
1) Set hard deadlines for finishing a major project in your business.

2) Now cut that deadline by 10%, 25%, or even 50%.

3) Trust me, you’ll find a way to get it done in less time.

One of the most important lessons Tim Ferriss taught us in the 4-Hour Work Week was about “Parkinson’s Law” which states:

“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

If we set a deadline for 6-months from now, we’ll meet it.

But if you take that same project and cut the deadline to just 3-months from now, you would still meet it.

You will find a way.

Deadlines make you take action…and bring big rewards when you meet them.

Get serious. Set a tough deadline. And get it done.

I'm off to take my own advice.

5 Friends Every Woman Should Have

By Natasha Jervis

Know Your Posse!

Every woman should have an array of friends to match their personal friendship needs. Some women might need one friend that keeps a positive healthy outlook, another that is a travel buddy and possibly one that is good for those deep heart-to-heart conversations. It might be silly to fool yourself into thinking your sole gal pal can provide you with everything you need within a friendship. This is because, just like any relationship we have in life, a perfect package isn’t truly realistic and may add too much strain or pressure within the relationship.

Start by looking at your own personality and choose female friends that have those qualities. Here are 5 friends that every woman should have throughout her life to truly have satisfying positive relationships and the chance to keep reliable friends throughout life.

The Uplifter

This woman is your go-to-gal when you are having the blues. She shines positivity and always has a motivated approach and happy outlook on the world. The world truly is her oyster and life is a bowl of cherries. She can turn any frown upside down because she believes life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. She doesn’t allow life’s stresses to bring her down and she is there for you when times get truly rough and tough. Her life glass is full to the brim and overflowing.

The Travel Buddy

This is the female friend you turn to when you have the travel bug. You know she’ll be up for it and ready to go as soon as you mention a trip to Thailand or a backpacking excursion through Europe. She loves travel just as much as you do and adventure is her game. She is the one to call on for spontaneous cross country road trips with and explorations of ancient ruins in Mexico.

Gossip Gal

This woman is your girls-night-out friend. You can gossip with her about the celebs, talk ‘make up’ shop or just babble on about any girly topic possible. She is the friend you can truly let go with and have fun.

Old Wiser

This woman may be a little older than you, have more experience than you or may have a higher education. She is the intellect of your duo and you trust in what advice she offers. She can be your guide on matters of the heart or tell you what the healthiest way to lose weight is. She is a guru and a sponge of information.

Truth Teller

This is the woman who doesn’t hold back. She values honesty and can see both sides of a dilemma. She is the justice of the peace, your “Judge Judy” of friends, and you turn to her for the truth on matters at hand. She will also tell you when you have broccoli in your teeth or when you are wearing too much make up for that VIP cocktail party

7 Commandments for a strong Relationship

1. Develop Your Own Personality

Too often we get into a relationship and lose ourselves. We stop doing those things that made us happy when we were single (hanging out with friends, reading on our own or our favorite hobbies). Instead, we spend as much time as possible for the other person. Remind yourself of who you are. If you’ve forgotten, get to know 

Be Happy

Be happy yourself. If you need someone else to make you happy, you’ll be disappointed every time. They can’t read your mind and don’t know your every need. Instead of relying on them for all your happiness, rely on yourself. Do what makes you happy, then you’ll be happier in your relationship. Also, tell your partner about what makes you happy and ask them the same.

3. Work Together as a Team

I’ve always said if a couple can get along camping (in a tent, in the woods) for a weekend, then they have a strong relationship. They can cooperate to get tasks done and still find time to have fun. So split up the house chores or hire a cleaning service so you can stop arguing over who does the chores. Divide and conquer!

4. Talk About Problems

Have you ever not talked about a problem with your partner? Have you watched your fear and anxiety increase tremendously as the problem grew in your mind? When you finally talked about it with your partner or it finally exploded, was the reality as bad as you expected? I’ve said it before, you’ve read it before – so instead of holding it inside, talk about it with your partner. No gossiping. No talking behind each other’s back. And NO second-guessing.

5. Share Life Based on Reality

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth’s younger sister married a military man. She thought the marriage was just dreamy. In reality, the couple was forced to marry, because she had runaway with the man and lived in sin. Check that you’re really seeing your relationship for what it is. If you have an assumption, talk about it with your partner to get a reality check.

6. No Finger Pointing

No matter what happens, do not point your finger at them. The old adage is that when you point one finger, three more are pointing back at you. You will have disagreements, you will not be pleased with some things your partner does and you will lose your temper occasionally. This is normal. Blaming each other is not.

7. Honor and Respect the Person You’re With

In her years as a psychic adviser, Amelia has found that many times we don’t honor and respect the person we’re with. Sometimes, all it takes is a moment to really look at your partner and all the things they do for you (or would do if you allowed them) and what they mean in your life. If you honored and respected your partner, you’d be amazed how differently your relationship can be. The trust that is created is amazing. As my soon-to-be-husband says, “Don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself.”

Be happy yourself. If you need someone else to make you happy, you’ll be disappointed every time. They can’t read your mind and don’t know your every need. Instead of relying on them for all your happiness, rely on yourself. Do what makes you happy, then you’ll be happier in your relationship. Also, tell your partner about what makes you happy and ask them the same.

3. Work Together as a Team

I’ve always said if a couple can get along camping (in a tent, in the woods) for a weekend, then they have a strong relationship. They can cooperate to get tasks done and still find time to have fun. So split up the house chores or hire a cleaning service so you can stop arguing over who does the chores. Divide and conquer!

4. Talk About Problems

Have you ever not talked about a problem with your partner? Have you watched your fear and anxiety increase tremendously as the problem grew in your mind? When you finally talked about it with your partner or it finally exploded, was the reality as bad as you expected? I’ve said it before, you’ve read it before – so instead of holding it inside, talk about it with your partner. No gossiping. No talking behind each other’s back. And NO second-guessing.

5. Share Life Based on Reality

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth’s younger sister married a military man. She thought the marriage was just dreamy. In reality, the couple was forced to marry, because she had runaway with the man and lived in sin. Check that you’re really seeing your relationship for what it is. If you have an assumption, talk about it with your partner to get a reality check.

6. No Finger Pointing

No matter what happens, do not point your finger at them. The old adage is that when you point one finger, three more are pointing back at you. You will have disagreements, you will not be pleased with some things your partner does and you will lose your temper occasionally. This is normal. Blaming each other is not.

7. Honor and Respect the Person You’re With

In her years as a psychic adviser, Amelia has found that many times we don’t honor and respect the person we’re with. Sometimes, all it takes is a moment to really look at your partner and all the things they do for you (or would do if you allowed them) and what they mean in your life. If you honored and respected your partner, you’d be amazed how differently your relationship can be. The trust that is created is amazing. As my soon-to-be-husband says, “Don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself.”

Control your Fears

Fear is a natural human emotion. Like many termed ‘negative emotions’ it can serve a positive function.  That function was designed to protect you from harm (“There’s a fire – yikes! Run!”).  The problem is, fear can take on a life of its own and become a hindrance and limiter. It can paralyse and thwart growth, happiness and success.

Everyone has fears on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels; everything from the fear of death, to the fear of humiliation, loneliness, rejection, and so on. I will explore some of these shortly.

What’s less acknowledged, which I’ll address first, is the fear of positive things! People can be afraid of love, success, intimacy, power, money, happiness even, for example.

This can be because of (often hidden) feared consequences around them, such as the fear of loss, of responsibility, of being seen, of not being good enough, of stepping outside your comfort zone, of being ‘more than’ one of your parents (and feeling disloyal about that), of change itself, and so on.

These are often less conscious fears yet can create resistances to achieving those things in your life.

One thing to look at in discovering fears of positive things, is if there’s something you desire that you don’t have in your life, a part of you may be resisting it, i.e. be afraid of it, whether that’s money, power, visibility, intimacy, and so on.

Of course, it may also be because you have limiting beliefs that hinder your manifestation of these, or a combination of both. If subconsciously you believe money is bad or evil, you will likely fear and sabotage attaining it, whether you’re conscious of that dynamic or not.

It is liberating and empowering to face your fears, learn from them, and befriend them, rather than run away from them.

Fear won’t necessarily disappear if you ignore it, and if in your subconscious may show up in your life in some form, so you may as well face those fears, feel and release the feelings around them, and discover what they are telling you about the beliefs and expectations you hold.

What you secretly fear you may attract, even without focussing on it, simply because that energy exists in your consciousness, even if denied.

Obviously, what you consciously fear you may also attract, because your attention is on it and your thoughts (which are manifestors of reality) are directed towards it.

The more aware you become of your fears (and any negative beliefs behind them), the more you are able to release them and let them go. It is what you resist that persists.

That’s why owning your fears, facing them, being present with them and feeling them if necessary, can help to release them.

Acknowledge and listen to your fears. What are they saying about what’s going on inside? Writing them down, feeling them, or running through them like a scenario in your mind to release the emotions around them, can all be liberating.

This is different to dwelling on your fears, and more a cathartic release process. When you run from fears, they usually become bigger and turn into scary monsters. When you face them, they shrink and dissolve in the light of your awareness and ownership.

It’s OK to be scared. Allow yourself that. Own that there are things that may frighten you (unless you really aren’t frightened of anything, which is unlikely). What you accept, you more easily let go of and release.

Types of fears may be different for different people, as I explore below.

Some people may be very brave in one area, yet terrified in another. Some people are brave with emotions yet scared of heights; others may take on a big challenge in business, yet run from feelings, and so on.

There are reasons why you’re scared. Don’t judge your fears and be compassionate with yourself. Owning them in itself can help to transform them.

Sometimes you need to get digging to uncover fears, and there can be fears under your fears!

The fear of public speaking, for example, can hide a deeper fear of visibility, rejection, humiliation, or vulnerability, for example.

The fear of commitment might hide a deeper fear of intimacy, which can hide a deeper fear of being abandoned, or a belief you are ‘not good enough’, or a fear of losing freedom, etc.

What are your main fears? What fears grip you the most?

Here are some common examples:

Rejection

Abandonment

Being judged or disliked

Death

Pain

Betrayal

Being attacked

Being ostracised

Loss of security

Loss of Power

Loss of freedom

Loss of control

Loss of beauty or youth

Failure

Humiliation

Being stifled or controlled

Intimacy

Commitment

Of course, there are many more possible fears. Let me know if I’ve missed a biggie here in the comments section below, and there are fears of positive things too, as mentioned earlier.

Experiencing your fears through facing them (i.e. ‘feeling the fear and doing it anyway’) is one way to help them diminish.

Dance in the shadows of your fears and they will turn to light.” ~Aine Belton

If you practised public speaking at  Toastmasters classes, or did a speaker’s course, for example, your fear would likely decrease over time. Each time you face a fear it loses power over you.

In experiencing your fears (I think I’ve lived through a lot of mine now, other than death, though I’ve been close to that once too), is that you realise you survive in spite of them, that you are MORE than your fears and anything that can happen to you, and this in itself brings a new found sense of faith and freedom!

Clearly, some fears you don’t want to experience, nor would it be in your highest interest to. I will be sharing more ways of dealing with and transcending fear in Part 2 and beyond in this series.

When you look at your fears, what might they be pointing to about your beliefs about yourself, others and the world, life-scripts, and stories?

Look at your fears and ask yourself the question “What must I believe to have a strong fear about this?”

If you have a strong fear about being burgled, mugged or robbed, do you believe the world is an unsafe place, or that people are dangerous?

If you fear making a mistake, or being wrong, were you once punished and shamed for making a mistake? Do you believe you are not enough, and hence strive for perfectionism to prove your worth?

If you fear being rejected in a relationship, is it because you believe that relationships don’t last, you are not good enough, that the people you love will leave you or let you down, that true love doesn’t exist, that you don’t deserve love, that men/women are cold, uncaring, etc.?

If you fear loneliness, is it that you believe you are alone, or that you are unloved or unloveable? That you do not yet understand that you are never alone and are ever connected to the loving source of creation, loved in every moment?

Sometimes you fear loneliness because you are disconnected from yourself. It is the very absence of you that creates the vacuous, empty feeling of loneliness. Or sometimes you fear it because you fear facing the emotions you are carrying inside that may be painful, for example.

If you have negative fears in your relationship, what beliefs do you have about that gender? Do you believe men/women are untrustworthy/uncommitted/controlling/unfaithful? Does this relate to childhood experiences with one of your parents?

Fears can even stem from past-life experiences, as I discovered personally with a past-life persecution experience.

What fundamental assumptions lie behind your fears that could be changed?

Are your fears similar to your parent’s fears and represent ancestral patterns (and corresponding beliefs therein)?

Do your fears come out of a belief in scarcity? (Being scared that there never will be enough money, love, time, for example).

Many fears are based on negative past experiences that still haunt you and a fear they may re-occur. Perhaps these experiences were many years ago in childhood and long forgotten consciously, or more recent.

What happened to you that caused you pain or anxiety, be that physically, mentally or emotionally, that you consciously or unconsciously may still be afraid of happening today?

What beliefs were formed by these experiences, or what beliefs may have generated these experiences in the first place?

These are just questions to help you pin-point possible fears and roots behind them.

Use your fears to discover hidden thought processes and beliefs, and start transforming THOSE.

When you do, things will unravel in beautiful ways, and you’ll realise more and more that fear is ultimately only as real as you make it.

I’ll be exploring this more in Part 2 of “Befriend & Transcend your Fears!” coming up, with tips and insights on how to transcend your fears.

When you fear something you give it focus and attention and keep it more alive as a possibility. The more you fear something, the more you are telling yourself it is likely to happen. If you repress that fear, it may still surface in your life in some way to be dealt with. See this as a healing opportunity, and a way to change the limiting beliefs or stories that may be behind those fears.

Your fears can offer clues and point in directions that enable you to reach greater understanding and self-awareness.

The more positive your beliefs are in general, the more trusting and less fearful you become, and the more confident you are in yourself and the world.

Fears can challenge us to be courageous, step into the unknown, and grow. They can also encourage us to seek healing, love and peace within. Plus as said, they can point to limiting beliefs and assumptions that do not serve us which can be altered.

Letting Life Happen

by Elizabeth A. ("Beth") Grant

In February 2006 I was laid off from my job as marketing director for a TV station, a position I loathed. In fact, like a square peg being pounded into a round hole, I had spent my entire seventeen-year career dreading going to work each day. While the shock of this event threw me off for a couple of days, I quickly embraced it. I was fully aware that I was in my defining moment. It was time to finally leave the corporate world behind and launch my dream career as a freelance writer. Even though this had been my wish for many years, I had only a meager portfolio, no savings, and no clients.

Still, I declared it!

Without the energy-drain of a job I dreaded, I found that my years of meditation paid off in droves. I quickly reached a state of inner happiness I’d never experienced before and had my first glimpse into spiritual bliss. At first, it was just a day here and a day there. External circumstances no longer had any effect on my well-being; I could be flush with money and blissful or penniless and blissful. Life was no longer a practice in reacting to events.

I diligently looked for writing gigs—anything—each morning on the Internet. It was slow-going. After a couple of months, I had picked up my first B-level journalism gig, for which I would be paid $650, and had another in the hopper. Financially, I was teetering on the edge, and I caught my ego saying to me a few times, “If you don’t make it big soon, you’re going to have to go look for a corporate job.” While my ego probably saw this as a clever tactic to keep me from changing and growing, it backfired. (Evidently my ego didn’t know that I would have done virtually anything not to have to go back to corporate America.)

One night, I was having dinner with a friend. She asked me how things were going. “I am blissfully happy,” I said. “I feel free, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I am living from an authentic place. But I’m starting to get nervous about money.” I had enough money to pay bills about six weeks out, but I couldn’t see beyond that.

“Why don’t you get up tomorrow and act ‘as if’ you already have a full roster of clients, a literary agent, and everything else a successful writer has?” she said.

So I did.

I proceeded with an undying belief that everything would work out. I continued my practice of daily meditation and set to work on not just finding paid work but working on projects that I felt passionate about, like a fiction book. I simply gave no more thought to the “how” of my life. A few times doubt crept in and I remember saying to myself, “I trust that the Universe will bring me everything I need.” These weren’t empty words. I really believed it.

One of the things I did to reinforce my belief that I was a successful writer and journalist was to stay after concerts and ask the artist for an interview. “I’m a freelance writer, and I was wondering if I could interview you,” I’d say. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? It wasn’t! I was very nervous, and a part of me felt like a phony. After all, if I’d never been published, could I call myself a real journalist? Sometimes, they would ask me what publication I was with, and I would just answer, “I’m freelance. I can’t guarantee you I can get something published, but I love your music, and I’ll see what I can come up with.” Almost everyone I asked said yes.

One of the first people I interviewed was indie folk artist, Denison Witmer. It was a fascinating interview, and I marveled at h is choice to follow his bliss at the age of twenty with no plan and no expectations.

Within a month after “acting as if,” I effortlessly found a perfect part-time corporate writing job that would pay my bills while I pursued my writing passions. I had always heard freelancers issue two warnings: 1) Get ready for the dry spells, and 2) Your clients won’t pay you on time. Well, maybe that was true for them, but I chose to believe something different. I really believed that after taking seventeen years to get up the courage to do this, it would work out beautifully for me. I have worked every day since on the projects of my choice, and all of my clients have paid me within ten days—allegedly “unheard of” for a writer.

Then I had an inspired idea: I would write a book featuring fifty people who got paid to do what they loved! Helping people find the freedom I had found became my absolute passion, and still is.

For the next couple months, I was consumed with the idea for this book. Every time I would meet someone who seemed passionate about what he or she did, I would whip out my business card and ask if they’d be interested in being in my book. Soon, the drummer for a Grammy-winning rock band and an internationally-renowned sculptor effortlessly came into my life, and both readily agreed to participate. Evidently, people were more than happy to help others find happiness.

I set an intention to make more money doing what I loved. Soon, I landed another part-time gig, and a third, and before long, I was turning away clients. It was all so effortless—so different from the feeling of swimming upstream that had become my way of life for seventeen years. It was my third writing project that made me realize there was something bigger going on—something beyond the physical realm. A man in Belgium found me on the Internet and asked if he could send me a $5, 000 advance to edit his book for him. You have to realize I had no book-editing experience. There were thousands of other writers with lots of editing experience on the writers’ site where he looked. Yet he chose me.

From a spiritual standpoint, what had started out as a glimpse into blissful happiness had gradually become my way of life. I felt light, free, and totally authentic.

My time and attention quickly turned to my paid projects instead of my own book. Several months went by. I had my paid gigs and the book-editing project wrapped up, and soon I realized those seven-day work weeks had taken their toll. And although I still felt passionate about my own book, it had virtually faded from my mind. I still believed, though. I had not yet learned about the Law of Attraction, or the law of gender, which says that everything has a unique gestation period. Everything happens in its own time.

Then one day in April, a co-worker said to me, “You’ve been working so hard. Why don’t you take a vacation?” My ego quickly thought up fifty reasons why I couldn’t do this, not the least of which was that I couldn’t afford it. But a little seed was planted, and within a few weeks, I decided she was right. I decided I would take a trip for my fortieth birthday in June and began to search for the best destination. I decided on Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. It’s not like I was dying to go to Ft. Lauderdale. It simply seemed like the right choice at the time.

In May I thought, “I’d like to take on a weekend gig. It can pay for my vacation.” The next day, with that intention in the back of my mind, I went to a blog that lists freelance writing gigs, and boom! Like that, I found my perfect gig. It entailed writing an article to help people through the first thirty days of a life change—fulfilling and lucrative. Most writers spend weeks trolli ng the freelance sites to find scraps. But I had learned that things went differently for me than for other people. I understood what was going on in the unseen world around me. All I had to do was ask, believe, take inspired action, and receive.

As a part of this assignment, I had to interview three experts in the field of personal finance. When the editor sent me the list, I was shaking in my shoes! These were major well-known experts—contributors to Oprah and bestselling authors. Feeling a strange mix of terror and exhilaration, I forged ahead anyway. I called each person’s publicist and was met with a resounding, “We’d be happy to be interviewed!” I breathed a sigh of relief, and my confidence grew just a little bit more.

Well, it turned out that the only time these folks were available for interviews would be during my vacation. Since writing isn’t even like working to me, I was happy to oblige.
< br /> The first evening in my hotel, I considered ordering room service but instead decided to go down to the lobby bar to grab a bite to eat. A man came and sat down next to me, and we struck up a conversation. “Are you here on vacation?” I asked.

He told me his name was Richard. “No, I’m working. I’m a sea captain for a yacht owned by a billionaire. It’s parked outside in the marina,” he said. Now, being from the Midwest, this intrigued me. I mean, it’s not every day in Chicago that one meets a sea captain.

*Bing*

At that moment, something clicked in my brain. My book, Get Paid to Do What You Love, came back into my mind. I was surprised when I realized how long it had been since I’d thought about that book—months.

“Would you consider being in my book?” I asked. I explained the concept. He agreed, and we exchanged business cards. A feeling of exc itement came over me when I got back up to my room as I wondered if my book would ever get published. I didn’t know how it would happen, but inside, I knew it would because it would bring a great deal of good to the world.

Two days later, I called one of the personal finance experts, Lynnette Khalfani, for our interview. As I listened to her talk (she was fresh off the heels of an Oprah appearance), I realized, “Wow, she is absolutely passionate about what she does. Plus, she is so nice.” At the end of the interview, I mustered the courage and told her about my book idea.

There was a brief pause, and I wondered if I had overstepped my boundaries as an interviewer. “Not only will I be in your book,” she said, “I’ll help you get your book published!”

My body was filled with joy and exhilaration as I witnessed the Law of Attraction in action. By surrendering and embracing what life had brought me—the idea for a vacation, the destination that felt right, and the impromptu conversation with the sea captain—I had allowed the Universe to figure out the shortest path to my dream. When I got off the phone, I jumped up and down and was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. “I love my life!” I thought. “I can’t wait to see what happens next!”

I prepared a book proposal, and it was a couple months before our schedules meshed for a phone conference. Lynnette had reviewed my proposal in detail, and she spent three hours with me on the phone explaining what was good and what needed improvement. The greatest thing she stressed was that before a literary agent would be able to sell my book, I would need to establish a “platform” as an expert in this area, or at least prove I had a following.

This didn’t discourage me because I knew it was possible—I knew anyt hingwas possible; but, it would just take some time. In the meantime, I had been mentoring several people in applying the Law of Attraction and other Universal laws, and it was becoming apparent that I should begin teaching and coaching people in this area. Not only would this prove rewarding, it would also provide a great opportunity for me to prove myself as an expert. I embraced it. I could begin holding workshops, offer to speak at events, and continue working on my book.

I knew it might be years before I would be able to make a name for myself. I would have to get an article published in a major magazine at a minimum. “What I really need is a publicist,” I told a friend, “but they cost a fortune, and I simply don’t have the money.”

Two days later, I received an e-mail from a woman in New Jersey who I’d never met. Like my Belgian author, she’d found my profile on a writers’ Web site and wondere d if I would edit her book, a memoir of online dating. I asked her to send me a few chapters to review.

Part way through chapter one, I read the following sentence, and it stopped me in my tracks: “I think a lot of men are intimidated by me,” it said, “because I own my own PR firm.”

Although I have Law of Attraction experiences every day, when something like this happens, it always fills me with a sense of wonder, and it reinforces the idea that anything really is possible in life. Her name was Jane Coloccia, and I asked her if she would consider trading services. She told me she would be happy to and that she was going to ask me to anyway!

So I had my publicist, and it cost me nothing.

Lynnette Khalfani continues to work with me on getting my book published, Jane Coloccia helps me with my PR needs, and my practice as a personal growth advisor is thriving. This is how my life unfolds every day. I simply ask, believe, proceed “as if,” let Universal energy take care of the details, and oh so gratefully receive.

Message: If you just let go and surrender to the moment—embrace it, in fact—Universal energy will take care of the rest. Let go entirely of the “how” of things. Instead, put all of your attention on your core passions. Then, go forth with absolute faith that your dreams will manifest.

Elizabeth A. ("Beth") Grant is a marketing strategist, screenwriter, editor, singer/songwriter, and spiritual mentor. In her day job, she helps coaches, healers, and other Helping Professionals create thriving businesses by applying the concepts of Truth and Consciousness. Her clients learn to apply the Law of Attraction and combine it with truth-based marketing to create effortless success. When she's not working, she's bringing her talents for writing, music, and performance to audiences around the world.

Here are some simple law of attraction exercises to help you on your way to manifesting things into your life.

http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=IHitY&m=1ozsD.6G1eCCY1&b=SzJcaRRFwc8od6xfyVOZrA

Clear some space in your life

Nature abhors a vacuum. And clearing space in your life works much
the same way. This can be physical space - tidying a room in your
house or apartment for instance - or it can be using a technique
such as meditation or yoga to help clear some space in your mind.
Gradually this empty space will be replenished with things you are
aiming to attract.

Go into detail with your desires

As a general rule, the more detailed your description the better.
Just saying that you want a new car is a lot less worthwhile than
describing that car in detail. The make, the model, the color, that
kind of thing. Once you've reached this level of detail, take
yourself for a trip in the car. Either by way of a test drive or,
if that's not easy, then by vividly imagining a journey in the car.
The same goes for anything else you're trying to attract into your
life - the more vivid the detail, the better. If you can get
yourself to the state where your mind believes it's happening, it
will work with you to make the dream a reality.

Be present

It's easy to reminisce about the past or dream about the future.
But you are here. Now. The more "present" you can make yourself,
the better. Living in the here and now will heighten the pleasant
sensations you can experience. In turn, this will positively affect
how things are manifested into your life with the law of attraction.

Hurry Up... Your Time is Now

Last week while working with a client here in Toronto, our conversation turned to how he had so much work to do but the little things in life kept him from getting it done.

For example, every week he mows his father’s lawn because his father is no longer able to do it. That extra trip to his father’s and back (in addition to his regular weekly visit), plus the time it takes to mow the lawn eats up a good three hours of his week.

It also happens in his business. He has employees, but he still insists on doing the small tasks – like running errands – because he’s not comfortable asking the college-aged student to do it.

My client has a mental hang-up he has to get over. It’s one that I had as well when I was just starting out. After all, both my client and I were raised by hard-working parents who did everything themselves. But they didn’t have a business to run or the resources to have other people do some of the work for them.

As my client has become more successful, he now has the resources to remove many of the minor tasks from his workday so that he can concentrate on the big projects that will move his business ahead. However, he stands in his own way.

The expectations of our parents and the hang-ups we bring from these expectations are mental hurdles we all need to get over. My client’s inability to delegate is certainly costing him tens of thousands of dollars per year, all because he refuses to hire someone to cut his father’s lawn and to have his assistants do what they were hired to do – assist him and make his life easier.

As I explained to him why it was so important to make these changes, I used an analogy given to me by my friend and marketing expert, Bedros Keuilian. Bedros long ago explained to me that business owners are like fighter jets. We’re specialized, our time costs a lot of money, and we need people to take care of us so that we can do the things that only we can do.

Now listen, this isn’t meant to come off as some type of ego trip. Instead it’s a simple lesson in how you need to view yourself and your time. After all, you’re the only one in control of your destiny. If you want to achieve your financial independence and finally start living your version of the American Dream that you deserve, you need to take control of your life now. The government’s not going to help. They’re too busy arguing with each other – even when they’re on the same “side” (especiallywhen they’re on the same side).

You are the only one you can count on. And you have to make your time count, now more than ever. You are the person in your business with the unique ability that drives the success of your organization. It’s your time that must be protected so you can move everyone ahead. Everyone depends on you, but not for the little things. They depend on you for big ideas, the big action, and the big results. Doing the little things is not going to help anyone.

Spend time on your unique ability. Get everyone around you to understand what this is, why it's necessary, and how they will benefit too.

It all starts with you.

You have to stand up for what is right for you.

You have to stand up for your dream and mission.

You have something in you that can change lives, and cutting your lawn or washing your car isn’t going to bring it to the world.

Identify your unique ability and start to delegate the rest of the menial tasks that cut into your productivity.

Just like a journey of one thousand miles, you do this one step at a time.

Today you find a local kid to do your yard work and soon you’ll be finding a local web designer to take control of your website. With each step you free up more time on your schedule, and you’ll make more money to invest back into your business and your journey to financial independence.

Cleaning our lives can be like cleaning our garage.  As we clean out our garage, we come upon things to sort out, things to let go of, things to keep and things that make us wonder, "How I ever collect this...?"

 

It was Henry David Thoreau who said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”  As we go through our own mental closets and emotional closets, perhaps it’s time today to let go of some things we have held onto.

 

Let today be a day of letting go of those things it is time to let go of, re-sorting some of the things you want to make important in your life, taking a look at priorities and just remembering that it isn’t about the things we do --it’s the energy we do them from.

Setting Boundaries

Enough is Enough: 

Recently, the “Got Milk” folks offended women with an ad campaign that has been pulled off the airwaves and the Internet. They poked fun at poor victimized mendealing with gorilla-like “women on the rag.” Regardless of the campaign’s failure, it’s true no one deserves to be treated abusively, and men need to set boundaries just as much as women do. Here are some tips on setting boundaries without burning bridges.

1. Polish up your own self-esteem. You will always be treated the way you encourage others to treat you. If you present yourself as a doormat, guess what your function in a relationship will be?

2. Treat your woman the way you expect to be treated. Be cordial, courteous, respectful, and honest, even when you’re angry. You heard right—even when you’re arguing, you need to maintain a positive attitude. Practice that.

3. Make clear, non-aggressive statements. Try this, “I know you’re angry, and I’d like to resolve this with you, but let’s take a few minutes to bring it down a notch.” Instead of — “I don’t need any crap from you, I’m going out!” Or try “How can I help make it better right now?”

4. Don’t engage in verbal ping-pong. If she hurls insults and unreasonable demands, remain rational, stick to the facts, or disengage and try again later. Your partner will learn that your boundaries don’t include sucking up abuse.

5. Be specific about what you will not tolerate. For example—“I don’t like when you make fun of me when we’re with other people. It isn’t ok for you to call me names or point up my shortcomings.”

6. Define the consequences of your partner continuing to trample your boundary. “If you make fun of me in front of others, I’ll quietly leave the gathering without you.”

7. Establish boundaries that matter to you. Don’t go to battle over every little transgression. We all have to be a bit tolerant because we’re all flawed humans.

8. Be ready to take action if your boundaries are crossed or ignored. Just like neighboring nations do, let your partner know that you’re goal is living in warm friendship. But you’re prepared to take action to protect your boundaries

Think Before You Rock the Boat called Marriage

Relationships. I can say with confidence that 80-90% of my calls are about relationships. Have you ever asked, “Is my ex coming back, will my partner change, is anyone right for me?” If so, you’re not alone.

Finding a relationship can be challenging, and, once we do, making it work. I read for couples all the time who are on the verge of breaking up. Usually, there isn’t one person at fault, but a series of misunderstandings that got out of hand. Sometimes relationships end, but there are many that might have survived if the couple had asked a few basic questions…

1. When you fight, do you or your partner go into “flashback” mode?

Are you bringing a painful past to the relationship? Example: your partner forgets to phone you that he’s late. You had an ex who did the same thing. Have you told your partner how you feel, or are you carrying old resentments? Sometimes we haven’t given our partners a chance to make their own mistakes.

2. Are you willing to apologize for your part in a fight?

If you still feel your partner is 60% wrong, don’t be afraid to apologize for your 40%. Someone once said, “Would you rather be right or be at peace?”

3. Is your insecurity putting a strain on the relationship?

I’ve spoken to clients so obsessed with cheating that they drive their partner into someone else’s arms. If you feel you can’t trust your partner address that with him, but don’t doubt just because “everyone” says partners cheat.

4. Have you lost yourself in the relationship?

Sometimes we work hard to attract someone when dating, but once in the relationship we let ourselves go. Or we’re independent at the beginning, and needy later on. Reclaim your life and starting taking better care of yourself.

5. Are you and your partner stuck in a rut?

If you find yourself eating the same meals on the same nights, seeing the same friends every week, it’s time to shake things up a bit. Plan to visit a new place or restaurant. Experiment during lovemaking. Sometimes the new person you are looking for is right in front of you.

6. Are you looking for a “soul mate” and disappointed that your partner may not be “the one?“

A soul mate is someone who helps you grow. Soul mates are wonderful, but the most important thing is for your partner to be your friend. Don’t miss out on a great relationship because you’re looking over your partner’s shoulder for your “soul mate.”

7. Have you tried the “10 minute” rule and “I” statements?

During a fight, sit down and allow each person to talk for 10 minutes without interruption. She can say what she wants without judgment, then switch. When you share your thoughts, stay with feelings. Instead of, “You’re a lazy bum,” try, “When I end up cleaning the house alone, I feel unsupported, and that’s painful.”

8. Are you aware that sometimes a break-up can save your relationship?

Occasionally there are issues within a relationship that require us to take a step away from our partner. If your partner takes you for granted, remember: a short break isn’t a bad thing—it may wake them up and keep you together in the long run.

9. Are you willing to ask for outside help?

If you find yourself having the same fight over and over again, it may be time to ask for help. A therapist, a religious advisor, or support group can make a difference. If your partner refuses to go, don’t let that stop you from getting the help you need. If one person changes, the relationship will change.

10. If the relationship must end, say goodbye with dignity, and move on.

Sometimes we “outgrow” a partner, which doesn’t mean we don’t love them anymore. If you reach this point, don’t be cruel: leave the partnership with the same loving intention as when you entered. Bless with love, forgive, and wish them happiness.